I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
