their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
Just cropdusted the office
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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