my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
