I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
