a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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