his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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