i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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