Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
