So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
