I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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