I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm both gender and math confused
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
