This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
is it fun? or sober?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
