that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize