i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
