If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
