guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
