She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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