I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
