haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
