So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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