I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
