they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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