swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
