she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
