I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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