Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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