Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
