You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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