I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
