Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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