I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
