yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
