At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
