my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Terrible idea I love it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
A bitchslap is in order.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
