He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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