She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
