Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
