i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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