I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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