he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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