apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
