tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
