fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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