I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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