Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
