I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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