I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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