I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My vagina just clenched in fear
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
