mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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