the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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