Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
