I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Randomize
