remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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