sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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