one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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