just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
