You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
