So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize