i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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