Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
