woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
